It’s hard not to feel lazy

When you’re house isn’t even close to clean and tidy and you’ve got a basket of washing and clothes still on the line and all you’ve done is sit around watching tv.

I get to play “I have a chronic illness” card, which everyone else accepts and is ok with but I hate. I know that a great deal of this resistance comes from a childhood of illness and constant diatribe from my mum saying “don’t give into illness, if you lay down and take it you’ll be worse and for longer”.

Yes I’m feeling whiney and sorry from myself.

Oh man!

Craig has been away since Friday morning and wont be back until tonight, I’m managing, just. Yesterday afternoon I started to feel the energy levels really dip, my throat is sore, my arms feel weak, some aching in my arms as well and I’m really tired. I haven’t been sleeping fantastically well (as everyone knows, sleeping with a 2.5 year old is not the best way to get a good nights sleep) but the tart cherry juice helps with that.

However, I am proud of how much I’ve been able to do these 4 days. Friday I didn’t have to do much except feed Pip and put him to bed but Saturday we had to drive to our swimming lessons and then have a long play at the pool before a very hamburgers and chips for lunch. Thankfully Pip was so tired after all that, he fell asleep on the way home, slept through an entire episode of Sanctuary, woke up, climbed into my lap and fell asleep for another episode. We then had to get through a few more hours, which was mostly tv watching before we headed up the hill for dinner at a friends.

Getting him to sleep Saturday night turned into a chore that ended up with both of us in the big bed at 9.30. Then Sunday dawned, I was most worried about getting through this day. I new that Saturday was a big day and was hoping that the post-exertion malaise would hold out till Monday, but dreaded waking up crashed and having to get through it without support. Thankfully the day dawned and I felt tired but ok. We had a lazy morning with an easy breakfast, I got the dishes done (yay me), had a shower and got us both dressed before heading into town for an early lunch of samosa and bratwursts.

I was dreading Pip wanting to also play in the park, but it didn’t come up and instead we just wondered around the market a little, watch a busker and purchased some little horses, a ball (which is now lost underneath the kitchen cabinets), a tiger and fairy tin. We also took a trip to the video shop. This is when I really started to struggle. I got so tired coming home from the video shop that I was a little worried about actually driving, but we made it home in one piece. I avoided Pip going to sleep in the car as I really didn’t want to have to deal with him being up late in the evening so then we just had to pass the time till diner. I put the chicken in the freezer and opted for instant pasta and sauce instead of roast chicken bits and veg – easy options and tried to encourage tv and self play as much as possible for the 3.5 hours till dinner. This actually worked pretty well, although tv watching involved me being a prop to climb all over for a long time – tiring but acceptable. We managed to get through dinner easily and then he wanted to have a shower instead of a bath, which was actually a blessing because he stayed in there for half an hour (not so good for the rainwater tanks but we’d had rain twice this week and it was working for us so I went with it). Bedtime went pretty well too but then he started waking up several times until I finally put him into my bed again.

Now it’s Monday. He’s been picked up for childcare for the day, I packed his lunch, got him all dressed and happily out the door and now I feel like crap. I wish I could just go to sleep for the whole day, but alas I suck at that and I think I’m out of tv too – except for a french film with subtitles, I’m not sure I can brain subtitles though this morning, seems like too much hard work. I was also hoping to make spaghetti and ricotta-meat balls for dinner, but it might end up just being spag-bol at this rate.

I can’t wait till Craig gets home tonight, I just wish he was getting home this afternoon.

Rule #4: Grow a thick skin

Tags

Journaling, Tara Mohr

Wow! These rules’ are coming in faster then I had realised they would, about every 3 days where I had assumed (see, you should never use that word) they would come once a week! I’m not committing to doing one every three days as I’d like to actually take time to think abut each rule, action it and then see to the next one.

Journaling Questions:

The criticism I’m most afraid of receiving is:
“that’s not good enough”

If I get this criticism, I will make it mean what?

I think this is an obvious one – I make this mean that I’m not good enough and then all the other downhill self-bashing that comes with that train.

Some kinder-to-self, more helpful ways I could interpret this criticism are . . .

As long as I did actually try my best then I can be pleased that I made an attempt and not feel responsible for others overestimation of my abilities or their own desire to receive more then what was originally put forth. I do not need to be bound by the expectations of others. If I’m proud of what I do, then hold onto that pride.

The praise I am most seeking is:
“That’s great, I’m proud of you, I can see how much you’ve put into this”

If I got that praise, it would prove to me that/make me feel that:

I’m developing and producing something that others see value and accomplishment in.

The way I can give myself that validation now is . . .

Keeping records (art journals, woven samples, creative writing notes, written journals) and then to review them regularly to see for myself the progress and growth that I’m making. To actually sell something I’ve woven to a stranger would be amazing validation. Someone who doesn’t have a vested interest in making me happy.

Assignment: Reviewing reviews is very interesting. Taste is subjective. My husband is constantly trying to get it through my thick head, that just because he doesn’t like a book I’ve read or a song I like, shouldn’t be taken as him insulting me personally, taste is subjective. We all get out something different from our experiences in life. Don’t take other peoples opinions on anything as the only truth.

TASTE IS SUBJECTIVE

This journaling inspiration is coming from my subscription to Tara Mohor’s blog, newsletter and her poetry, please check it out for full details and inspiration.

http://www.taramohr.com/

All bold/italic content is copyright © 2012 Tara Mohr as are the concepts for each journal entry.

Rule #3: Gasp

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Journaling, Tara Mohr

What is a gasp-level action I need to take in my relationships or family life?

I think my communication with my husband could be seriously improved. I need to learn some further skills to “work with him” rather then “against him” when this get tough. I tend to close off and want to fight the world rather then embrace all the support I can. I definitely have an “I can fix it all myself” attitude to everything which really doesn’t work if your chronically ill more then half the time.

What is a gasp-level action I need to take in my professional life?

Warp up the small loom and start my creative fiber project, the one that has been circling through my brain for weeks in flashes of blue and silver and white, and a dozen different fibers.

Place that huge yarn order!

What is a gasp-level action I need to take in my personal life?

I’m not sure about this one, right now I’m pretty happy in my personal life.

What is one gasp-level action I am willing to commit to doing this week?

(Oh crap!) Ok, I will finish plotting my large yarn order and get an actual figure.

This journaling inspiration is coming from my subscription to Tara Mohor’s blog, newsletter and her poetry, please check it out for full details and inspiration.

http://www.taramohr.com/

All bold/italic content is copyright © 2012 Tara Mohr as are the concepts for each journal entry.

Rule #2 Progress

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CFS, chronic fatigue syndrome, Journaling, ME/CFS, ME/CFS symptoms, overdoing it, pushing, Rule 2, Tara Mohr

• Requested a quote for plumbing for transportable
• Created a spreadsheet to track all expenses for the transportable with options to source some items cheaper where possible
• Trying to rest as much as possible this week so I haven’t been doing any weaving, but I have been thinking about it a lot and planning and talking with weaving friends
• Arranged some help from a friend to finish getting a warp on the big loom this week
• Reviewed final house interior design a little more and started a budgeting spreadsheet

I should receive quotes for solar setup and grey water this week as well as the fireplace, hear back from the valuer and then the bank if we can get the loan for what we require or if we need to downsize the transportable house.

Next on the agenda is to take the floor plans into some flooring shops and arrange quotes for floor coverings and look at lighting and paint options.

So it’s slow but steady progress. I’m hoping to have all this done by the end of Feb at the latest and the order for the transportable kit in and delivered by the end of March, ready to start building in April when we get back from Australia.

I want all building and decorating to be finished by no latter then mid-june so that we can be settled in by mid-winter (July). I believe this little cottage will be warmer then the house we are currently in and a hell of a lot cheaper to heat.

As far as the healthy family goal goes – I think I need to take a serious look at our diet and find ways of sprucing it up a little in terms of loads more fresh fruit and veg in easy, accessible sources. I’ve been thinking I should make up some vegetable dips (like pumpkin hummus, eggplant dip, beatroot dip etc) and store them in the freezer for quick easy sources of vegetable spreads on sandwiches, crackers or actually as dips. Lots of planning to do on this one.

Rule #2 Progress

Tags

CFS, chronic fatigue syndrome, Journaling, ME/CFS, ME/CFS symptoms, overdoing it, pushing, Rule 2, Tara Mohr

Meeting with the bank manager went well, I have to contact the kit homes people and the valuer and providing the valuer gives us an estimate we are expecting for the house and land we should be all honky-dory for the loan and can probably settle on the land by the end of the week and even order the kit. This would mean being in our kit house by winter – all going to plan

I need to start doing more for my health and weaving. I’ve had no time to weave this week and I’ve been so busy that I haven’t been looking after myself (which then of course results in even less weaving because I’m too exhausted). I ended up falling asleep for over an hour yesterday afternoon, which was good but then I didn’t sleep so well last night. I had to use a meditation to shut down my brain enough just to relax.

Perhaps an hour of watching some tv this afternoon would be a justifiable move.

Realising Rule #2

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Journaling, Realising, Rule 2, Tara Mohr

Today I have:

• Made an appointment with the bank
• Had a meeting with our architect
• Researched more on transportable and kit homes
• Taken time out to relax
• Made 3D floor plans of possible transportable/kit homes to judge livability

Rule #2: Imagine it

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Journaling, Tara Mohr

What does my knock-the-ball-out-of-the-park life look like?

I’m living in my completed dream home within our equaling growing and (mostly) completed village. I myself, along with my family, are all healthy and happy, exploring what inspires us, taking on challenges and overcoming obstacles. My weaving studio is complete, my looms are in constant operation and I’m surrounded daily with my own beautifully hand woven products.  We are financially, emotionally and environmentally secure.

What is the career that seems so incredible I think it’s almost criminal to have it? 

To be a full-time weaver, working in my studio 5 days a week, warping, weaving, dyeing, finishing, spinning, fondling, selling and just being totally and completely immersed in fibre in so many multitudes of forms.

What is the dream I don’t allow myself to even consider because it seems too unrealistic, frivolous, or insane?

That I will be 100% cured of me ME/CFS, insanely active again with boundless energy for my family, friends, my house and garden and my creative passions.

Realising these dreams

I shall dedicate some time each day to actively work on these goals, be it working out finances, working on house plans, weaving, designing fabrics, planning silk production, planting trees or taking the time I need to rest and recover, whatever . I will aslo try this week to take note in this journal of the things I have done that day towards these goals.

This journaling inspiration is coming from my subscription to Tara Mohor’s blog, newsletter and her poetry, please check it out for full details and inspiration.

http://www.taramohr.com/

All bold/italic content is copyright © 2012 Tara Mohr as are the concepts for each journal entry.

Rule #1: Make a Pact

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Journaling, Tara Mohr

I haven’t done the first week, it seemed too hard, which is sad and I realise now how important it will be for me to do this week over – soon…

This journaling inspiration is coming from my subscription to Tara Mohor’s blog, newsletter and her poetry, please check it out for full details and inspiration.

http://www.taramohr.com/

All bold/italic content is copyright © 2012 Tara Mohr as are the concepts for each journal entry.

Summer Solstice, Christmas, Yule and Santa

Part 1 (the rant)

Every year around this time I start to freak out. Growing up I was a massive Christmas fan, I watched every christmas movie (my favorite was “Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause). I helped mum to decorate the house and the plastic tree and I liked to wear christmassy earings, broaches and even the odd t-shirt.

Then I became a pagan and wanted nothing to do with Christen symbolism stolen from the pagans and twisted to meet their needs.

Then I just couldn’t see the point of celebrating a winter festival in summer (or a spring festival in Autumn etc).

For years I have struggled with trying to find that ability to celebrate seasonally but also be a part of a the collective celebrations of those around me. Part of me desperately wants  to be a part of the larger whole, to fit in with everyone else, but another part of me just wants everyone else (in the Southern hemisphere) to just get with reality and celebrate the seasonal festivals at the right time of year.

I love Yule. I love Winter Solstice symbolism. I love Santa.
I really don’t like winter symbolism in summer (or autumn in spring etc).
I’m not Christian or any obscure off shoot.
I am a seasonal person.
I have a child who I don’t want to ever feel left out.
I have a strong desire to be a part of the collective whole for celebrations of love and family.
I want my family to grow up knowing that it’s ok to have your own beliefs and identity.
I want a happy, stress free, family focused, inclusive, traditional celebration cycle.
Pip is going to be given Christmas presents from friends and family.
We will reciprocate with presents at Christmas to honor our friends and families beliefs and traditions.

I think I need to really pull myself together and accept that I’m never going to comfortable celebrating Christmas in summer and that’s ok. I need to accept that people are going to say to me son “what did santa bring you?” and he’ll say “XYZ, but that was at mid-winter” or he’ll get “what did you get for Christmas” and he’ll respond like all other non christen children “Nothing. I’m not Christen.” and that’s ok. Be firm in my own beliefs, be part of the feeling of love and family, decorate and celebrate, but don’t try to make it what it isn’t. I think this will be both easier and harder once we have older kid/s.

Part 2 (the celebrating plans)

Summer Solstice or Litha or Midsummer

December 22nd @ 5.30am 

1. Decorations
I’ve always loved those “trees” that are just branches in a pot with a few decorations hanging on them. My plan is to find a nice smallish, bushy branch from off the beach (hopefully sun bleached and sand scorched smooth). I’ll plant this into a decorated pot of sand topped with sea shells and then hang various summer decorations from it. Like more sea shells, sun motifs, all found or hand made items. This can sit in pride of place on top of the fire place.

I’ll make some sort of summer bunting with either paper or bright fabric triangles (the fabric means I can wash and store it for future use). This can be hung up around the lounge room.

Something to wind up the sair rails – grape vine?

“Stained glass” window decorations.

A summer wreath for the door, I already have a woven willow wreath that I can decorate with a summer theme.

Japanese paper lanterns, little-medium sized ones

Sunflowers

Vases of fresh flowers

Suns, big ones and little ones a nice decoration for the lounge room wall.

2. Celebration
5.30pm Picnic at the beach or the river, perhaps we can find and decorate another “tree”, invite all our friends and kids and tell them to bring summer decorations (low tide 2.30pm, high tide 8.40pm)
Story time, Sun dance, food and games and water fun

3. Food
- lemon cupcakes with cream cheese icing and yellow and orange jelly sprinkles
- flower petal salads
- fruits, lots and lots of fruit
- cheese platter
-  smoked fish
- lots of yellow, orange and red foods
- seasonal produce obviously
- sun-dried fruits and vegetables (tomatoes, fruit leather, sun tea, sunflower seeds)

My excitement about this holiday is now starting to grow – now the trick is to keep my focus and get everything together by the start of December while not putting my other projects on hold either. I think Tuesday and Wednesday should be mine and Pip’s days for Summer Solstice decoration prep.